Grannysage - The Crossroads Digest Version
I always hate having to describe myself. That's because I have changed so much over the years. Who am I today? Am I the same as I was when I was growing up? Of course not. Yet that shy girl is still in here somewhere, although I managed to hide the shyness after awhile.
Am I the anti-war activist and feminist I was in college? I did do some protesting back then and refused to let men open the door for me or pay for my drinks. By the way, that seemed to scare them off. I also stopped shaving my legs. What a silly thing to do. If we were supposed to be all smooth and silky, we would have been born that way. There is nothing ugly about hair. We all have it, some us more than others. I started shaving after my children were born, so I wouldn't embarrass them at the pool. But when I was able, I immediately stopped shaving. My husband liked me this way and I like not having to worry about the pricklies.
Am I the young social worker who was going to save the world? Well, I think I did help a few people, but the world is still pretty messed up, so I guess I did not meet that goal. I did work with troubled teenagers, the chronically mentally ill, and elders in nursing homes. Sometimes it seemed like the paperwork was more important than the people we were helping. I was good at paperwork, but got burned out by the high stress levels of having too much to do and not enough time.
Am I the mother of three children? Yes, I still am, but they are all grown now. Some things happened along the way that damaged our relationship, but that's another story.
What I am right now is an retired social worker who loves to write. I no longer work at a "real" job because of my Anxiety Disorder. In September 2011, my husband and two cats moved into an RV and traveled part of the country. We have stayed in some pretty amazing places. In January 2013 our RV broke down and we lived in Topeka, KS for almost two years Not my choice of a place to live, but as Ram Dass said “Your teacher is everywhere, waiting for you to be ready. That’s the model you can work on. So you don’t have to rush to India because it’s always right where you are. There are beings who can get as high as any enlightened being ever got, sitting in the middle of Topeka, Kansas, or in the middle of New York, or in the middle of anywhere. It depends on your readiness, and that has to do with your karma or your readiness to get on with it all.”
I don't think I achieved total enlightenment there, but I did learn a bit about acceptance and mindfulness. We finally got the repairs we needed and started off to our original destination, the coast of Oregon. On the way, we had another breakdown leading to our having to stay in Alamogordo, New Mexico. I always say that there is a reason for everything, and it is a wonderful place to spend the winter, although a little warm in the summer.
Since we arrived in Alamogordo in 2014, I was diagnosed with malignant breast cancer and had a mastectomy in April of 2015. I did not need to have chemotherapy.
The next year I developed chronic gout and had a hysterectomy due to endometrial cancer. We also started working on getting dentures for my husband because we both have missing teeth. I told him I thought we would probably die in Alamogordo.
Be careful what you say as words have power. On Feb. 13, 2017 my husband died of a heart attack. I am here all alone now and am going to have to work on building friendships. It was a hard blow and I am still trying to get my head around it. I still believe there is a reason for everything, but am totally befuddled as to what the reason is for this.
“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” Eckhart Tolle
Update May 15, 2019
I am now content living in a senior apartment. I continue to follow a spiritual path, but it has changed. As you follow the pathways you will see that for 20 years I was a proud pagan, a follower of an earth-based spirituality. Recently I began to feel that spiritual model no longer fit my inner being. I have started to study more closely the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, more and more finding myself in the Present Moment and focusing on awakening my own consciousness. Daily I feel an increase in inner peace. This is a work in progress.
I am still keeping my articles on Wicca in the Crone's Hut as there are people that are on that path and like to read them.
To read more about my current spiritual path read Looking With Different Eyes.